When we planted a church, I knew that not everyone would decide to stay. But I think I thought that our church would be different, that most people would see that we had something special and find it difficult to leave.
It was special, but we still had plenty of people who moved on.
Some didn’t get it. “This isn’t the church I thought it would be,” they told me. Some ghosted us. Some made it clear that they preferred other churches — bigger ones, ones with a different style of music, or a different approach to ministry. Others moved because they were leaving the neighbourhood. Having started a church in a transient community, we found that most people moved within two years of coming.
We got very good at saying goodbye.
I’ve written about how to leave a church well. I’m convinced that churches can also learn how to bless those who leave a church, even when it’s hard. No matter how good or healthy your church may be, some will choose to leave, and not always for good reasons.
We won’t be able to bless everyone. When someone leaves a church with no warning, and doesn’t respond to communication, all we can do is try to get it touch and then pray for them. Sometimes, in cases of church discipline, the church discipline is a form of blessing, a severe mercy.
But when someone leaves the church, and you know it’s coming, we have an opportunity to say goodbye in a way that blesses the church and those who leave.
Here are some good ways to do so.
Think Well
I’ve seen some churches who treat those who leave as the enemy. They refuse to talk about it, or if they do, they speak with anger. They misapply 1 John 2:19 to every situation, no matter why a person is leaving: “They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us.”
If you become bitter every time someone leaves your church, you’ll end up becoming a bitter person.
Aim to think well of those who leave. Don’t take every departure personally. Make gracious assumptions about people. It’s okay to release people to another gospel-preaching church, even if you would have preferred that they stay. Make room for people to make mistakes. Let love cover a multitude of sins.
Don’t live in denial, but get your security from the gospel, not from who attends your church and who doesn’t. Refuse to treat those who leave your church as enemies.
Communicate Well
Some churches follow an unwritten rule: don’t talk about those who leave. We don’t need to talk about the details of everyone’s departure, but it’s generally better to speak about what’s happening than ignore it, especially members of the church leave.
I once attended a members’ meeting at Capitol Hill Baptist Church. The congregation approved each person who wanted to become a member. They heard their stories; they read their testimonies. I was surprised when they did the same thing as people left the congregation. Rather than just listing those who were leaving the church’s membership, they took the same care as when those members had joined the church. They handled each case one by one. They described the situation around each departure. They showed care for each member as that member joined and left the church.
The details will vary depending on your structure, but in general, try to help people leave with as much care and communication as when they joined the church.
Recognize and Pray
One of the most bittersweet things I’ve done as a pastor is to recognize them and pray for them as they leave the church.
At the church we planted, we’d call people to the front, thank them for their ministry, give them a small gift, and pray for them as they left. We had the privilege of being family with them, and I wanted to bless them as family as they left.
There’s more than one way to do this. Sometimes it’s a good idea to do it publicly. Other times, it’s best to recognize them and pray for them in a smaller setting.
But I love to not just see people disappear from a church but thank them, pray for them, and bless them as much as I can.
It’s never easy when someone leaves a church, but when we bless people as they leave it can be a blessing not only to them but to the entire church, even when it’s hard to see them go.