Since most of us are going to leave a church at some point, it’s probably a good idea to think about the best way to do so.
Joining and leaving a church is no small matter. Joining a church means making a covenant with a particular group of people. The covenant that our church uses contains some weighty language. Every time we read the covenant together, I’m reminded of what a serious commitment we made when we joined the church.
It’s equally serious to leave that church.
Here are some good ways to handle that departure.
Examine your motives.
Why are you leaving the church?
There are many good reasons to consider leaving a church: you’re moving, for example, or the church has drifted from believing or teaching God’s Word. But there are many bad reasons to leave a church, such as a conflict that you should resolve, or a preference that hasn’t been met.
Honestly consider your motives. Are you leaving for the right reasons? Sometimes the best thing we can do is stay in a church even when it’s the hard thing to do. Generally speaking, Mark Dever’s advice is good: leave for positive reasons (like helping to build up another church), not for negative ones. Aim to resolve differences within your church instead of leaving it. Make decisions based on faith, not fear.
Get counsel.
I’m sometimes surprised when someone announces they’re leaving the church, especially when they say they’ve been agonizing over the decision for months without talking to anyone about it.
Leaving a church should not be a solitary decision. Get advice from godly people around you. You don’t have to consult everyone, but since we all have blind spots, it’s helpful to get wise counsel from godly brothers and sisters within the church that you can trust, including at least one of your elders.
Consider timing.
I know a woman who was preparing to move to a church closer to her home and children. She was leaving for all the right reasons. But the church went through a crisis just as she was about to leave, and she decided to stay until the church was out of the crisis.
She spoke to a young woman within the church who was struggling. “How are you doing?” she asked. She told this friend that she was committed to stay in the church as long as necessary until she was doing better.
She eventually left, but her delay in leaving blessed the church. If possible, look for ways to leave at the right time.
Communicate well.
The harder the decision, the more important it is that we communicate that decision well. Look for ways to communicate the news well. Consider how to let your pastors know. Don’t sow division on your way out. Bless and thank people for the difference they’ve made in your life. Anticipate questions, and answer them beforehand.
I’ve seen people leave a church poorly, and it hurts. But I’ve also seen people leave a church in a way that leaves the church stronger.
It’s always difficult to leave a church — at least, it should be! — but it can be done well. Look for ways to leave a church so the church is even stronger after you leave, especially when it’s hard for you to leave.
