Numerous scholarly works, podcasts, and leadership materials reference a well-known Duke University study that stated 85% of seminary graduates leave the pastoral ministry within 5 years of completing their studies. But rarely do we hear firsthand from one of these individuals.
Well, I am one of the 85% who did not persist in pastoral ministry.
Allow me to share my story, and if it is a familiar story to you, I pray that this will be an encouragement to your weary soul, and even if ever so slightly, give you hope into believing that God is working in and through you still to this day.
How I Became a Pastor
Back in my days as a seminary student, anyone in my life would have told you that I was born to be a pastor. After leaving my life of pursuing a career in medical sciences, when I heard God’s calling, I left behind everything and started pursuing the pastoral calling.
I spent endless hours and sleepless nights trying to make financial ends meet during my time as a seminary student, all the while serving as an interning pastor at my local church. For over 8 years of my adult life, my entire identity was wrapped around earning the title of being a pastor.
Eventually, within 4 years of graduating, I was offered a co-leading pastoral position at my home church in downtown Toronto. It was an exciting time for everyone, especially for those who sacrificed greatly, like my family, my fiancé, church leadership, and longtime congregation members.
By that time, being a pastor had become more than just a personality or vocation, but my entire identity. Everything in my life was so intricately tied to being a pastor. Almost immediately after beginning as a co-leading pastor, the weekly feedback and criticisms of my sermons, my leadership, comparisons to other churches, and complaints about the ministry began to break my soul deep within.
Just to be clear, these things existed in my life before becoming the co-lead pastor, but the intensity of how personally I took them to heart became that much greater. Eventually, instead of drawing from God’s daily grace and the power of the gospel, I began to try and solve all the issues on my own strengths. Not long after, I fell into a deep depression believing I was a bad pastor.
How Depression Affected Me
That deep depression led to an abrupt stop in my ability to continue pastoring, and before my 5th year as a graduate and less than 1 year into my co-leading role at the church, I realized I could not continue. My declining faith and spirituality, mental and physical health, marriage, and non-existent relationship with my 1-year-old son forced me to hand in my resignation.
Not only did I feel like I failed as a pastor and let my church down, but as if I had failed Jesus as a Christian. I felt my reason to live and my worth as a man spiral down into an unending abyss. Many days I wept bitterly, fought deeply seeded anger and resentment, and had to relearn just to be who I am without that title of a pastor: a son, a husband, a father, a friend, and a sinner saved by grace and loved unconditionally by a gracious and loving Saviour.
In the following months afterwards, God graciously allowed me to take some time to be a full-time dad, meet with Christian counsellors, reconnect with lifelong friends, and have heart-to-heart conversations with my mentors. During this time, when I found it difficult to pick up the Bible, I listened to familiar gospel teachings and sermons from pastors like Tim Keller, Darryl Dash, and Dan McDonald, and opted to read practical gospel-centred books that helped me reevaluate my calling like “Deep Clouds, Deep Mercy,” “Dangerous Calling,” “Zeal without Burnout,” “Brothers, We are Not Professionals,” and “Am I Called?”. When I did pick up my Bible again, I revisited the gospel of John and Paul’s letter to the Corinthians in my devotion time, where I began to witness God’s healing hands into my weary soul.
What I Learned
One of the many things God has revealed to me was to see Jesus through Peter’s failures and was moved to tears when I realized I loved my identity as a pastor more than being loved by Jesus (John 21:15-18).
By the time of my burnout, my devotional times always revolved around simply preparing for the next upcoming Bible study classes and sermon preparations. My personal time with Jesus, to be loved by Him and to pray to Him earnestly, was non-existent. I have fundamentally forgotten that I needed to be loved and forgiven first by Jesus before doing anything else.
Another deeply profound revelation was my tendency to rely on my own strength to create a successful ministry. I have previously preached Paul’s message from His letters to the Corinthian church about boasting in his weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon him through His sufficient grace. But I had not allowed the text to convict my own soul. Pride had rooted and replaced the gospel in my own heart and how I led the ministry.
And if you are still reading this, the chances are you are looking for a glimpse of a light at the end of the tunnel for your own journey and hoping that I will end the story with a happy ending. And I can confidently say to you, after 4 years of wrestling with burnout, supported by loved ones and guided by mentors, I stand even more firm in Jesus’s gospel and love, although I am not ready to go back to ministry. Nevertheless, I can testify to God’s faithfulness amid these trials. He has brought healing in my first church, to my wife and two sons, and His Word and gospel have never been so intimate in my heart and soul.
So, I want to proclaim that this continual gospel healing in my life and growing trust in Jesus is worth every moment of the waiting. Until I am called back, I am content to be sitting by the sidelines and encouraging other ailing pastors and soon-to-be pastors at my current workplace.
And to my fellow hurting and ailing pastor, remember: you are a beloved child of God, a sinner saved by grace alone. This too is part of your sanctification, and it is through His unfailing love and not by your efforts that you will get through. Rest in His everlasting arms and be nourished by His Word.
