I am a complementarian woman. I have studied the Scriptures and am convinced that God’s Word makes it clear that he has a plan and purpose for specific roles in the church and home; that God in his wisdom has created an order for men and women to have complementary but different purposes. I believe that God has instituted a male-only elder/teacher role in his church for his glory and for our good.
The purpose of this article, however, is not to make a case for that belief. There are so many wise and capable expositors of God’s Word who have done that much better than I could. (See for example, Men and Women in the Church by Kevin DeYoung; God’s Design for Man and Women by Andreas and Margaret Köstenberger; Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by John Piper and Wayne Grudem).
My purpose, instead, is to try to express what it is like for those of us trying to walk this wonderful but sometimes difficult road of complementarianism in the local church. I have to admit, sometimes it feels like being caught between a rock and a hard place.
Walking the Tightrope
When I first attended Bible college (Central Baptist Seminary), I planned to go for one year before pursuing other education. During that year, however, I felt God’s leading me to stay two more years and finish my degree (B.R.E.); I felt that God was placing a calling on my life for ministry. I wrestled with that decision because, especially in the 80s, as far as I knew, my only option for vocational ministry was to be a foreign missionary. I was open to that but didn’t sense God leading me in that direction. Even at that time I was fully convinced of God’s design for men and women in ministry, so God’s call on my life puzzled me. What exactly did God want me to do?
I am so thankful today that I can look back on 38 years of life and ministry with Rick, my pastor husband, and see that God did have a plan for me. No, I was never considered a pastor, or even a co-pastor; that was my husband’s role which I supported wholeheartedly. But Rick and I have always been a team—and I credit him for that. Rick saw and highlighted our complementarity; that we completed each other in marriage and ministry with our specific gifts. He has always been my biggest encourager to grow and use my gifts, and so he made being a complementarian easy and, I believe, treated me how God intended for us to relate to each other as husbands and wives at home, and as men and women in the church.
But, unfortunately, that is not always the case. Some tend to focus only on what women cannot do, and have forgotten the “completing” part of complementarianism. We were always meant to do life and ministry differently, but together.
There are those, even within evangelical circles, who, perhaps because of past hurts or injustices done to them, have crossed the road to the side of egalitarianism. I may not agree with their view and interpretation of Scripture, but I can understand how they ended up there. They are gifted and feel called to some kind of ministry. But instead of looking for how God wants to use those gifts within the framework of what he has laid out in Scripture, they have assumed that a ‘greater’ role is being withheld from them.
On the other side of the road are those who, in an attempt to hold rightly to Scripture and get as far away from egalitarianism as possible, now belittle women in a patriarchal way, trying to “keep women in their rightful place”. This, in particular, grieves me. I have read social media posts and seen videos of otherwise solid pastors demeaning and mocking women for the sake of taking a hard complementarian line. Perhaps they are trying to be bold, but the result is harsh and cruel. As a woman—even a committed complementarian woman—this hurts. And it shouldn’t be.
As women who not only long to use their God-given gifts to honour Christ and build up the church, but who also want to stay committed to God’s good design for the roles he has set out, it can feel a bit like walking on a tightrope. We might be worried that if we speak up too much, or use our gifts too visibly, then we may be accused of being egalitarian. But if we stay tied to “acceptable” duties in the church, sometimes ones we don’t even feel suited for, we can feel like we are not being faithful to what God has called us to. In short, we feel caught between a rock and a hard place.
Actively Equipping, Not Just Permitting
I have been so encouraged when I have encountered messages by men such as Michael J. Kruger (Professor of New Testament at Reformed Theological Seminary) who remind us that because we are complementarians, we need women serving in various roles in our churches. Or faithful complementarian women like Jen Wilkin who encourage pastors to seek out and equip women for ministry within the church.
We were made to serve God together, each using his or her gifts in a way that honours the Lord. That will take on various forms in different church settings (like staff positions in leadership that are not the role of elder/teacher), but still all the while faithfully holding to God’s good and liberating design of male-only overseers.
Pastors, complementarian women do not want your roles. But we do want to be encouraged in our development as mothers and sisters in the church. We do want to learn to be good students of God’s Word and to serve God using our gifts to the best of our abilities. As Jen Wilkin wrote to pastors, “We are not usurpers, we are the possessors of every capacity you lack and the celebrators of every capacity you possess. Brothers, don’t permit us. Pursue us.”
What if pastors and elders actively looked for women in their churches who were gifted in teaching or evangelism or leadership, and not only encouraged them in these gifts by giving them training, but then gave them opportunities to use these gifts and abilities? Imagine the kingdom impact of equipping and mobilizing our women.
What a testimony we are to an unbelieving world around us when, instead of spending more time and energy criticizing a church that we feel is off base because they have women on staff, we focused rather on making sure the women in our own churches are sought out and encouraged and trained to be all that God means them to be. It is instructive that, before exhorting the older women to teach the younger women how to live according to God’s Word (Titus 2:3b-5), Paul reminds Titus (as the key church leader) to teach and encourage the women who are to do that (Titus 2:3a). Brothers, we need your support!
God has given us a good gift in our complementary roles; instead of throwing shade at each other, let’s focus on shining a light on God’s goodness and greatness as we work together for his Kingdom.
