Recently, I saw a statistic claiming that 45% of men under 25 have never approached a woman in person. Whatever the exact reason, young people are not interacting in-person as much as they used to. The fact that we even need training on how to ask someone out is a reflection of our times.
If you are rolling your eyes about whether or not we even need this article, you may be losing touch with the current cultural climate and the effects of the internet-age.
I think both the modern world and the modern church have botched this simple social interaction. I see and hear advice and examples from Keyboard Casanovas about ‘sliding into dms’ or of Church-Chads asking girls out for a coffee and a bible study, which was really just a VeggieTales version of netflix and chill. (If any of the above references didn’t make sense to you, go speak to your local youth leader.)
This article is about how wisdom and integrity can help you navigate those first interactions with the girl you’re interested in.
I think these are dishonourable methods and believe that they are unhealthy, unclear, and lead to a lot of unnecessary hurt.
To help readers think wisely and biblically about dating, I want to share with you four wisdom principles to guide you on how to ask someone out on a date.
Warning!
Warning! Before I get to those principles and before you ask a girl out, you first need to determine whether or not you and she are even ready to date! There are books, articles, sermons, and people out there who can help you with this. Get help. You’re human. We all need it.
If you are looking for tips on romantic gestures or fashion advice on whether or not you should wear blue stripes or a red t-shirt, this is not the right article for you and I’m certainly not the right person to ask.
And if you are looking for a proven method to guarantee that they say yes to going on a date, this is not the right article. I would also say that article doesn’t even exist!
The goal of this article is not to address your readiness or compatibility. Instead, it is about how wisdom and integrity can help you navigate those first interactions with the girl you’re interested in.
The one foundation I must address is where these values come from.
True wisdom and integrity is a fruit that is caused and coerced by putting your faith in Jesus Christ.
The gospel affects the full scope of every area of our lives. If we repent of our sins and put our faith in the death & resurrection of Jesus Christ, it will unearth truth and power to help us even in this simple task of asking someone out on a date. Embracing the lordship and salvation of Jesus will both supply and demand change that affects even the task of asking someone out.
With that all said, here are the four wisdom principles to guide you on HOW to ask someone out on a date.
Bravery
Every relationship requires bravery. As a Christ follower we are called to speak the truth; and sometimes the truth scandalizes. You may have fears of rejection, or of other people finding out, or fear of saying something embarrassing.
Jesus modeled a bravery in His speech and life that didn’t let fear deter Him. Nelson Mandela said ‘Bravery isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the triumph over it.’ Take some time before the Lord in prayer and be honest about what you’re afraid of and ask him to help you overcome those fears.
Take some time in God‘s word and with God‘s people to remind you of your identity in Christ. Let your identity in Christ secure you so much that you are not governed by what people think of you. It takes bravery to boldly say, ‘I think you’re pretty’, or ‘I’ve really been enjoying getting to know you.’ It takes bravery to ask ‘will you go on a date with me?’ Who knows how they’ll react?
This is why so many want a friend to ask for them, or why people use social media and digital devices. Instead, men should dare to bravely approach the girl in person, say something brave and face the response bravely. Don’t underestimate how attractive bravery really is. We love Christ’s bravery.
Humility
Humility is not so much about downplaying your value or talents but rather it is thinking about yourself less and considering others first.
Humility isn’t about expecting rejection because you don’t think you’re valuable, but rather humility is considering their perspective in your approach.
Consider firstly what and how they would think and feel as you ask them out and less about what you want. The girl may not see this coming, and if they do, they might be nervous about how to say yes or even possibly how to let you down.
Approach them in an environment that prioritizes making them feel safe, comfortable and empowered to consider you, and give you an honest answer. If they’re in a crowd, ask if you can speak to them privately; and when you go to speak with them privately, don’t invite them into a context where they feel like they cannot escape.
Find a quiet spot where friends or family can see or hear them. And remember that whatever you ask of them, have them in mind. I made the mistake of taking my wife to Dairy Queen on one of our first dates, where I found out she is anaphylactic to dairy. That’s like taking her to a restaurant to taste-test cyanide.
Suggest a place that you think they would like and even offer to let them pick somewhere else or a different activity. Prioritize their comfort and experience. Humble yourself.
Motivation
If there is any element of this article that is romantic, it is this one. Consider for yourself why you want to ask them out on a date. There must be something about the girl that has caught your eye or something they said that you can’t forget that makes you smile. Maybe it was something she did that revealed her character and is replaying in your memory and thoughts. Maybe it’s even as simple as a trusted friend recommending them to you.
The Proverbs say that ‘the purpose of a man’s heart is like deep waters’ (Prov 20:5). In every relationship, we are never simply satisfied with what is being said or asked, unless we understand the motivation or the ‘why’ behind it.
Don’t leave the girl guessing why you are asking them out on the date. Tell her whatever motivated you to ask her out. It could be ‘I think you’re a lot of fun to be around’ or ‘My friend spoke highly of you and I trust my friend’s recommendation.’
Before you ask anything of them, let them know your motivation for why you’re asking. Don’t use fake flattery. Give your genuine motivation so she understands your intentions.
Clarity
Being clear is not always cool, but it does eliminate a lot of headaches when it comes to communication. Being clear can eliminate many questions and dispel a lot of worry.
If you simply ask a girl out for coffee, she might not know if that is as a friend or if you’re trying to sell them something; maybe you’re looking for her insight and advice, or possibly even wanting to confront her about something. If you want it to be a date, you both need to know it’s a date.
Simply ask her ‘will you go on a date with me?’
Dating-to-marry (and relationships in general) comes with fear, risk and hurt but it also can be life-giving, adventurous and fun. All of these emotions and experiences are safe for the soul that is secured by the Gospel and abides in Jesus Christ.
