Approximately 6.5 million Canadians are single, that is 23% of adults over 19 years old. There are another 4.5 million who are separated, divorced, or widowed accounting for 16% of adults. Singles are the fastest growing demographic in Canada. While some churches reflect this changing demographic, others do not.
As a single professional woman in a church full of stay-at-home moms, I’ve seen firsthand how challenging it can be to engage with those who are not part of your affinity group. The temptation as a single can be to look for those in the same stage of life and circumstances to spend the bulk of our time with. Or to move from church to church seeking a congregation with more people that look like us. This summer I have seen singles in all stages of life come to visit, then move on.
The Tendency to Isolation
Like attracts like. We naturally want to hang out with people similar to us. Often without realizing it, we isolate ourselves from people in the church who are different from us. However, I have found that it is not always the people that look the same as us that can speak into our lives most effectively. Sometimes a little distance can provide the perspective and insight that changes our own point of view. I have been blessed by the women at church in different stages of life, who have encouraged me.
On the surface it may seem like a stay-at-home mom and I have nothing in common, but we both struggle with the same root sins. It can be tempting to think, “if only I had their life, my sin would not be such a problem” but our sins follow us around from one set of circumstances to another. Changing jobs, getting married, or being a stay-at-home mom does not make our sin struggles disappear. As we are all striving to mortify our sin in the flesh, we can encourage each other in the daily battle with temptations regardless of marital status or stage of life.
Our shared love for the gospel means we can have depth of relationship in Christ, that surpasses the comfort of our affinity communities. Some of the people the Lord has graciously put in my life to stretch me and open my eyes, to my own sinful tendency to isolate myself, have been stay-at-home moms who have winsomely invited me into situations I would never seek out on my own. In many cases, they are unaware of how the Lord is using them in my life.
Sanctification occurs within relationships, it exposes our selfishness, arrogance and pride. Proverbs 27:17 says “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another”. God uses people to refine us. These may be our immediate families, extended family, co-workers or even strangers on the street, but it is especially important that we continue to meet with our church community (Heb 10:24-25). In isolation, we can pretend we are better than we are, in community sooner or later it is exposed.
The Trap of Independence
As a single, it can be easy to fall into the trap of being an island of self-sufficiency; proud of our independence. But God designed us to be dependent on Him and also interdependent on each other within the church. No one is given the fullness of all the gifts. We need each other, we may not want to, but we do. We may not even know how we need each other, but we do.
Ephesians 4:15-16 says “Rather, speaking truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.” Each of us has a purpose and a role in this community. We are to speak truth in love to each other. If we are disconnected from the body, from these relationships designed for us, we won’t grow together in love.
This type of community requires both commitment and responsibility. It means that the Christian single is not a workaholic, focused solely on climbing the promotion ladder. Instead, we must steward our time with an eye for the kingdom community, not falling into self-serving pursuits. I understand the temptation to hole up with a good book to recharge on the weekend. But I have also been challenged by the selfishness of such a desire when it limits involvement with the church community.
We are all called to serve one another (Gal 5:13-15, 1 Peter 4:10-11); as our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ has served us (John 13:12-17). As singles, we have the advantage of having an undivided devotion to the Lord (1 Cor 7:32-35). The Lord has given us the married couples and families in the church to serve. When we, as singles, engage in the church community, we are also served through fellowship, as they encourage us and share their wisdom and their lives.
As singles within the church it can be hard to resist our tendency towards isolation and independence. But we can take encouragement from the fact that God uses our engagement with the broader church community for our ultimate good and sanctification.
