No shortage of evangelical resources speak to dating —when to date, how to date, who to date, or even if Christians should “date”— to such an extent that there are discernible subgenres of Christian dating material. For example, my favourite is the “questions you should ask” pieces. Yet, when it came to dating, no blog, podcast, or seminar prepared me for when my girlfriend brought up the topic of a “bride price.”
Despite the number of evangelical churches and organizations that boast of their multicultural identity, finding resources that spoke to hard questions and difficult realities of cross-cultural dating as evangelical Christians was exceedingly difficult.
The Questions the Resources Didn’t Answer
From the very beginning of our relationship, my girlfriend and I tried to do things right. From our very first conversations, we were intentional: Expectations and boundaries, faith and finances, all the foundational issues were covered with diligence. We did our very best to take the advice we learned from more mature Christians, trusted pastors, and respected authors. According to all consulted accounts, we asked the necessary questions before committing. However, nothing prepared us for the numerous serious questions we needed to ask and topics we had to address due to our cultural realities.
While a small subgenre of Christian materials speaks to cross-cultural dating, the overwhelming complexity of the topic becomes apparent almost immediately. First, when it comes to navigating cultures, it is hard to provide general advice that will apply across the board. For example, the most thoughtful, culturally sensitive advice for an Italian-Canadian dating an Indian may not connect to a mixed German-Barbadian Canadian dating a Ghanaian. Second, when considering culture-specific guidance, things move quickly. Just as cultures change and evolve, people’s reception and experience of culture also change and evolve. For instance, despite coming from the same country, an immigrant who arrived in Canada in the 1990s likely has a different sense of their culture than an immigrant who arrived in the 2020s. Third, in the context of cross-cultural relationships, even the most basic and established advice on dating and preparing for marriage can simply prove irrelevant.
When the topic was raised, I couldn’t find anyone or anything in my evangelical world to help me navigate the question of a bride price. I would certainly have appreciated some guidance on how to broach the topic with my parents, who were expected to pay. Likewise, my girlfriend did not have any resources to help her explain the bride price and defend it against my assumptions. In her culture (and many others around the world), it is a typical practice that does not require defence. Moreover, the bride price wasn’t the only unexpected question we felt like we had to answer alone: When should we meet each other’s parents, when should we state our intentions to our parents, when should our parents meet each other, how much should we see one another, where should we see one another, and how should we think about friends of the opposite sex. Some of these questions might seem unique, while others might appear familiar. These questions opened my eyes to the two different sets of inherited wisdom and instruction that we unconsciously brought into our relationship. We were often confused, in conflict, and without a definitive source of guidance.
As I near the end of this experience, with a wedding day swiftly approaching, I have learned a great deal about cross-cultural dating as an evangelical Christian. Working with parents, friends, and churches, we have successfully managed many tough conversations. We’ve compromised, picked battles, and sought to apply biblical principles as best as possible. While I am sure there are many questions we have yet to answer, or even uncover, I have learned some foundational lessons. Whether you’re a Christian entering a cross-cultural relationship, a parent navigating your child’s cross-cultural relationship, or a church leader seeking to provide counsel, I hope the following points are helpful for your reflection and conversations.
Three Things to Think About
Your way isn’t the only way
This may seem obvious to say, but I was surprised by how many times I had to remind myself of this. Just because I grew up seeing, hearing, and doing things one particular way does not make my way the default practice that all others either rightly adhere to or shockingly deviate from. Simply being prepared to encounter and engage with different expectations or practices goes a long way in navigating differences and working through difficult conversations.
For example, when I asked about meeting my girlfriend’s parents, I believe our conversation would have gone much smoother if my jaw hadn’t dropped when she explained that for most of her West African friends, boyfriends didn’t meet their families until they were ready to propose. Thankfully, I quickly recovered, and my explanation that meeting our respective families, and seeing how we interacted with them, was a helpful part of evaluating a potential spouse was well received.
While there will be moments of genuine surprise, even shock, being conscious of your emotions and reactions, being prepared to hear the new and unexpected, and being willing to listen will set the stage for charitable conversations and healthy-handled disagreements.
Different doesn’t always mean bad
Again, this seems obvious to say, but when it comes to the evangelical world, we may find this is easier said than done. As people who relentlessly work to honour God and intentionally apply His word to all of our lives, encountering different convictions and expectations can prove challenging: I remember my childhood horror when I discovered one of my church friends read Harry Potter (a book series full of witchcraft and magic). Yet, I also remember a couple of years later, when another one of my Christian friends was mortified to discover that I had read Lord of the Rings (a book full of wizardry and magic). Exchanges like these are inevitable in Christian cross-cultural dating, but the stakes are much higher than Sunday school friendships.
When my girlfriend brought up a “bride price,” many words and thoughts immediately came to my mind: archaic, primitive, how could a Christian people partake in a practice that is essentially the buying and selling of women! Yet, from my girlfriend’s perspective, this was a time-honoured tradition that represents the groom’s family’s appreciation for the bride’s family in raising a wonderful daughter, a daughter who is now leaving their household to join another. Moreover, this practice also happens to be one we see in the Bible (Jacob working to gain Rachel as a wife). While there is certainly more that could be unpacked on the specific question of a bride price or a dowry, my point is that what may be the most shocking practice to you may have reasonable underpinnings that do not contradict biblical teaching.
Sometimes you have to hold your ground.
As evangelicals, we continually strive to conform and reform our thoughts and actions in accordance with the word of God. Similarly, we acknowledge that we live in a fallen world and that the Bible provides guardrails and correction for our cultural beliefs and practices.
My girlfriend and I were both approaching our relationship as Christians, having come from Christian families, been raised in Christian churches, and from cultures with deep Christian roots. Yet, as disagreements arose, we both had to learn that sometimes one of our expectations or practices was simply the wiser, more biblically sound path as Christians living in Canada in 2025.
As a Canadian who struggles with being overly apologetic at times, this was the hardest lesson for me to learn: Sometimes, my cultural boundary, which contradicted her cultural expectations, was worth insisting upon. For instance, in my evangelical Baptist circle, I grew up with what I would call a Billy Graham Rule-lite version of boundaries between men and women. Essentially, men were expected to show some intentional discretion when meeting and speaking with women. In my girlfriend’s culture, however, it is totally normal for men and women to be best friends. This could mean, for example, that a married man might spend a day visiting, having dinner with, and engaging in one-on-one conversations with a woman who is not his wife. While the Billy Graham rule can and has been taken too far, I insisted, and we came to an agreement that some boundaries with friends of the opposite sex should be established.
Conclusion
As the demographic reality of Canada changes, the demographic realities of Canadian churches will also change. If my experience and that of my friends at my suburban GTA church are reflective of broader trends, cross-cultural dating will increasingly become the new norm in evangelical churches. As young Christian men and women look for godly, conservative Christian spouses, we must recognize that their dating pool has and is becoming increasingly diverse, ethically and culturally.
I hope that the few points that I raised in this post will help those Christians and those supporting them navigate the new and challenging questions raised by cross-cultural dating. At the very least, I hope this post will reassure those brothers or sisters who are currently in such situations: You’re not the only one who has had to ask their parents to help pay a bride price!
