This article is the third in a four-part series titled “From Eden to Eternity: Christ at the Heart of Your Marriage.” It’s based on messages my husband, Dan, and I gave at a marriage conference at Muskoka Bible Center. We taught from a biblical vision of marriage, drawing on the four epochs of redemptive history: Creation, Fall, Redemption, and New Creation.
Marriage can be hard sometimes. Selfishness and pride, anger and resentment can so easily come between us. In this study, we’ll discover how the good news of the gospel gives us a model to make our marriages melodious. Our text for today teaches us this timeless message:
Because Christ died to make us holy, let’s exemplify his life in our marriages.
Ephesians’ Global Context
Paul argues in chapters 1-3 of Ephesians that we were once dead in our sins. We were chosen, adopted, and made alive through union with Christ. And in chapters 4-6, he expounds that in light of Christ’s death, resurrection, and ascension, we ought to maintain the unity he provides in the church, the family, and the workplace.
This becomes clear in the concluding verse of chapter 3, a doxology exalting the glory of God, which crescendos with a hearty “Amen!” And in 4:1, it’s as if Paul is saying, “Class will be dismissed soon. I’ve got some important action steps for you before you head into the field. Let’s put our boots on and get ready for action.” That takes the form of four lessons from this text:
1. Walk, Think, and Speak in a Manner Worthy of Christ (Ephesians 4:1-5:20)
Walk (Ephesians 4:1, 17, 5:2, 8, 15)
The second half of Ephesians begins in 4:1 with these words:
I therefore exhort you … to walk in a manner worthy of the calling you received. (4:1b)
The verb “walk” appears six times in the second half of Ephesians. It means “to behave, to conduct yourself, to live in such a way.” In Ephesians 4:2-3, Paul lists the qualities that characterize such a walk: Humility, gentleness, patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
Think (Ephesians 4:17-24)
The second section of chapter 4 opens in verse17 with a warning to the Ephesians not to walk in the futility of their minds. The term “mind” refers to our way of thinking, our disposition, and our attitude. In vv. 22-23, Paul invites us to put off the old self, which belongs to our former manner of life, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Paul then describes the thoughts of our former life as futile. Ignorant. Impure. To put these off, we must replace our corrupt thoughts with pure ones. This leads us to our final term:
Speak (Ephesians 4:25)
In Ephesians 4:25, Paul writes,
Let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbour, for we are members one of another.
This last phrase highlights the fact that, while we belong to one another as husband and wife, we also belong to one another as the Bride of Christ! In fact, our sibling relationships are the only ones that will remain unchanged into eternity. Yet singles often struggle with profound loneliness in churches that place such a strong emphasis on marriage and parenting that they overlook the needs of the unmarried. May our churches be characterized by warm affection, welcoming people on the margins.
Paul continues his exhortation in v. 26 by highlighting speech gone awry:
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil.
Despite Paul’s warning, many of us are tempted to justify our anger, claiming that Jesus got angry enough to turn over tables in the temple (Mark 11:15-18). But here’s the thing: He’s God, and we’re not. And anything we think we can accomplish with anger, we can accomplish better without it.
Learning When to Speak and When to Sleep
For years, I believed that Ephesians 4:26 meant that my husband and I had to stay up, no matter how long it takes, to make peace. Over time, we learned that this often just made matters worse. As a night person, I was firing on six cylinders. And as a morning person, when the clock struck midnight, Dan was running on empty. What we tend to do nowadays is say, “I love you. Can we discuss this tomorrow with clearer heads? Let’s pray and go to sleep.” This simple practice has helped us avoid unnecessary, prolonged arguments late into the night. This leads us to the second lesson of our text:
2. Saints, submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21)
In the verses leading up to Ephesians 5:21, we discover one imperative in v. 18 that governs the ones that follow: “Do not be drunk with wine…but be filled with the Spirit.” In v. 19-21, Paul paints a portrait of Spirit-filled believers. They address one another in songs, hymns, and spiritual songs, give thanks always, and submit to one another out of reverence to Christ. This by no means overrides the wife’s submission taught in the verses that follow. But it does temper a highly hierarchical interpretation of this passage.
3. Wives, submit to your own husbands (Ephesians 5:22-24)
It may surprise some readers to learn that the word “submit” is not in the original language in v. 22. Rather, it is implied from v. 21. It means “to voluntarily subject oneself to, to subordinate oneself to, to obey.” Notice that this is a command to the wife. Husbands are not to subject their wives to themselves. Submission is a voluntary act on her part. It must never be demanded or forced.
What’s more, women submit to their own husbands, not to all men. They certainly submit to their pastors, bosses, and government authorities. And so do their husbands. Because we are all under authority.
Lastly, “as to the Lord” means that women submit for the Lord’s sake. Not because husbands are always right and deserve such submission, but because Christ always is and asks it of us.
The First Sexual Revolution
Many readers may also be surprised to learn that Paul’s teaching on marriage was radically liberating to women in his day. In fact, some have argued that it led to the first sexual revolution. In an era in which husbands had sex freely with mistresses and slaves (male and female), Paul declared marriage to be mutual and exclusive. Wives, on the other hand, were little more than property for a husband to do with as he pleased. By setting boundaries around a wife’s submission, Scripture protected her from abuse and excess. In his Greco-Roman context, holding husbands to an equally high moral standard was unthinkable! And to be willing to die for them? Ridiculous!
Head as Relational Metaphor
When Scripture says that the husband is the “head” of the wife, this is a relational metaphor, not a job title. As head, he loves, serves, and seeks his wife’s flourishing, not through coercion or domination but through self-sacrifice.
In v. 23-24, Paul employs the illustration of the body. Jesus is the head, and the Church is his body. And just as we, his Bride, submit to him, so also wives are to submit to their husbands. In so doing, wives model the Church’s submission to Christ for their husbands, their children, and a watching world.
Conditional Submission
Under normal circumstances, a wife submits voluntarily, regardless of whether it’s convenient or culturally accepted. What’s more, it doesn’t depend upon her husband perfectly keeping his end of the bargain. As if couples kept a scorecard. A wife must not submit, however, if a husband asks her to sin or if he is abusive.
If a husband asks his wife to sin, she is not only free to refuse, but she must do so. And if her husband is verbally, physically, spiritually, sexually, or financially abusive, she can and must protect herself and her children. Her submission ends where his abuse begins.
Stereotypes and Preferences
The Bible doesn’t give us a list of women’s and men’s work. We are free in Christ to order our households together as we see fit. At home, I handle all the cooking, laundry, and housekeeping, with the help of our two teen daughters. Dan takes care of the trash, cars, lawn maintenance, and snow removal. That all sounds very stereotypical, but it’s by chance. Because we do what we like and what we’re good at. Yet, contrary to the stereotype, Dan oversees the interior design, being far more artistic than I am. This works for us because submission is a lot more organic and thoughtful than following caricatures of traditionally gendered tasks. It also works because if it were up to me, our decor would consist solely of repurposed items I picked up off the side of the road! 😛
4. Husbands, Love your Wives (Ephesians 5:25-33)
Whereas Paul spends three verses articulating the requirements for wives, he spends nine laying out those for husbands. God’s clear command is to love. Not to lead. Not to ensure submission. Tim Keller wisely stated that a man is never to “take” headship. He can only “receive” or “earn” it through servant leadership.
The term means to cherish, take pleasure in, and have sincere appreciation and high regard for another. Paul then further defines love by citing Christ’s example in v. 25-27. Jesus manifested his love by giving himself for the Church. He endured a slow, excruciating death on a bloody cross so that we would never have to bear the punishment that our sins deserved.
Most men will never have to take a bullet for their wives. The scenario of an intruder invading their home and requiring such a sacrifice is highly unlikely. Instead, Christ calls husbands to die to their own desires daily.
Make the Bride Holy
Paul goes on to give the reason that Christ gave himself for his bride. And it’s not to save her, but to sanctify her! That’s important to highlight because praying a prayer and signing our names in a Gideon Bible isn’t enough. Christ calls us to live for him. To fight for holiness. For the rest of our lives.
A wife should be growing in holiness thanks to her husband’s presence in her life. He should be running the race of faith so that she gets winded to keep up with him. Not because they’re competitors, but because they are running together to win the prize (1 Cor. 9:24).
The Metaphor of Self-Care
In v. 28-30, Paul elaborates on the image of the body. He contends that no one hates their own body. They take care of it, nourish, and protect it. Some go to the gym, cut back on sugar, and avoid injury or harm of any kind. And just as many husbands take special care of their bodies, Christ takes care of his Church, and so husbands are to take care of their wives. In v. 31, Paul then takes us back to the beginning and God’s command to leave and cleave, which we discussed in our first article in this series.
The Mystery Unveiled
Paul wraps up Ephesians 5 with a theologically rich assertion about the true meaning of marriage. He calls it a mystery, by which he means the hidden plan of God that has come to fulfillment in Christ Jesus. As one theologian put it:
The “mystery” of Ephesians 5:32 is not that marriage is a secret code for the gospel, but that the gospel is the secret reality to which marriage has always pointed. Marriage is the temporary signpost; Christ and the Church are the eternal destination.
So, marriage is a parable. Its purpose is to tell a story about a greater union, a more glorious marriage than that between a man and a woman. We’ll discover more about this in our final article in this series in Revelation.
You’ll find a series of short videos from the conference on my YouTube channel. The audio recording of this session is available here.
