Marriage is a gift of God and a great blessing. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD” (Prov. 18:22). One of the chief blessings of marriage is sexual intimacy.
The Bible has an overwhelmingly positive view of sex. It is not something naughty, dirty, sinful, or wrong. It is a good gift of God, meant to be celebrated and enjoyed—only within the confines of marriage.
Consider these rather erotic words from the book of Proverbs:
Some will be surprised to learn there is a book of the Bible devoted to celebrating the goodness of marital love—Song of Solomon. As you read through the Scriptures, you discover that marriage is a tremendous blessing from God, and that sexual intimacy is a foundational aspect of that gift. While we should be careful not to turn sex into an idol, we also don’t want to devalue it and make it less than what God intends.
If you are engaged to be married, you are not going to know everything up front, nor should you. This is something you and your future spouse will grow in over years and decades of being intimate together. But I think there are a few things that will be helpful to know in advance. And for the married couples, this can serve as a helpful reminder.
Communication is Essential
Having good communication skills is essential to every facet of marriage, and that includes your sex life. Husband and wife need to be incredibly transparent. Openly saying what feels good, great, or not so great should be the expectation from both parties. You are probably not going to be great lovers right off the bat, but healthy communication is a skill you must learn.
A Slow Cooker and a Microwave
Good sex at night starts in the morning. Speaking more directly to husbands—if you expect your wife to suddenly “turn it on” at night without having pursued her during the day, you are probably in for a rude awakening.
While this probably doesn’t sound all that flattering to women—wives can be likened to a slow cooker while husbands are more aptly compared to microwaves. Of course, there are exceptions, but the point is to pursue “intimacy” and connection without making it all about the act itself.
There will be times when your spouse says “no” for tonight. That’s okay. Learn to accept it and try to put the needs of your spouse before your own.
The Danger of Pornography
Pornography will always harm, and sometimes even destroy, your marriage. It’s never something to take lightly. Flee from it. And don’t think that marriage will solve your porn problem.
Just like with sin of any kind, we are masters at making excuses. We justify behaviour that is clearly outside of God’s plan and the boundaries he has put in place to guard our marriages. “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Heb. 13:4). Obviously, the “marriage bed” can be defiled in multiple ways, not just adultery. Porn can quickly become a snare that will hinder not only your marriage, but your walk with the Lord.
Don’t treat this sin flippantly or casually. Never tell yourself “a little glance here or there won’t hurt.” That is a lie. “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall” (1 Cor. 10:12). Have eyes for your spouse only (Job 31:1).
If you are trapped in a pornography addiction, don’t try to battle it alone. Ask a trusted, godly friend to pray for you. Seek counsel from your pastor. Tell your partner and seek their forgiveness. Remember that you are not alone and that you can only face this battle through the power of the Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 10:13).
Sex Guards Your Marriage
Frequent sex will help guard you from temptation. When you are finding joy and satisfaction in your spouse, you will be much less tempted to look elsewhere.
I once heard about a couple that made a habit of having sex once a year on New Year’s Eve. That’s not good. Sexual intimacy serves as a glue of sorts that bonds and strengthens the marriage. It should not be neglected, as long as illness or other complications are not a factor.
The Bible says,
In other words, sex is not something to withhold from your spouse.
While every couple is going to vary in this, they should strive for frequent sex. For some, that will be twice a week. For others, twice a month. Whatever it is, frequent is always preferred to infrequent.
Don’t Let Anything Get in the Way
There will be seasons of marriage where, for different reasons, your sex life will wane. Expect it. But if it becomes an enduring pattern, you might want to take inventory of your habits.
For example, if you are watching loads of TV in the evening, you might want to turn off the TV. Less TV and more time to talk will go a long way to stirring up romance. Along with that, if you find yourself scrolling endlessly on your device and neglecting your spouse, that needs to change.
Husbands and wives need to be intentional (and sometimes even creative) when it comes to finding time for one another. Date nights are great, but they take planning in advance. Overnight getaways (just the two of you) are really great, but they require even more planning. Your marriage and the health of your sex life are worth it. Place a premium on the relationship, and don’t let anything get in the way.
The Gospel Made Visible
Your whole marriage is about putting the gospel on display. Sex is part of that. Learn to prefer one another. Try to always put the needs of your spouse above your own desires. You will need to die daily to self.
Much grace is needed, one to another. Be leery of placing unfair expectations upon your spouse. Make prayer a central part of marriage, and that includes your sex life.
Having a healthy, Christ honoring marriage starts with the understanding that marriage is not ultimately about you or your spouse. It is about you pointing to a much greater, more profound reality—the love that Christ has for his bride, the church. Put another way, marriage is to be a human picture or object lesson of the divine relationship between Christ and believers.
Conclusion
Everyone has expectations about sex going into marriage, but what is amazing is that when it’s done God’s way, it’s really good! Sometimes even better than you expect.
Be jealous for your spouse. Guard your eyes and heart. Husband, pursue your wife on a daily basis. Wife, be receptive to your husband’s advances. And strive to honour the Lord in every facet of your marriage, including your sex life.
